I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
