When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
