I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
