Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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