I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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