you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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