god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
