Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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