my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
