Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
