the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
