What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize
