I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
