I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Green mimosas i think yes
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
