hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
