Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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