I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Someone shattered a urinal.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
