What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
