my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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