tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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