You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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