I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
