just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Randomize
