peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Why is there bacon in the couch?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
