and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
