I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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