Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
