Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
