I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
