My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
The feeling are messing with the penis
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
