if i can run in heels then i can drive
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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