bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Randomize
