Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
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Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
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He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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