he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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