tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Who died my cat blue again?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
