He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize