So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
