my vag is so smooth its legendary
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
