i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize