I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
