Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
