I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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