I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
