Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
