if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
