i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
