be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
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do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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