I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
