i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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