This dress was meant to end up on your floor
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
