He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
