she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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