Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
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just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.