I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.