6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?