I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
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He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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