she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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