Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
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