at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
