Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
